Oh No. Is My Toddler a Bully?

Dear Meri,

Whenever I go to a play group with my 18 month old son either pushes the other children, or grabs their toys. My husband and I are not aggressive people and we're worried that somehow we've created a bully. How did this happen?

I certainly can understand your distress. Parents want to feel that their children can get along with other children. They quickly blame themselves and become very embarrassed when there is a problem. Let me reassure you. What you're seeing in actuality is just a developmental issue in progress. Your child is developing the skills he needs to get along with others.

Young children are impulsive. If they see a glass of milk on the table they become curious and might pull it down. They are especially curious about other children. Just as your child will explore a stuffed animal by poking it's eyes, your child might do the same to a friend sitting nearby. Small children do not know how to modulate their strength or even that they should. They do not have an understanding of cause and effect nor do they have an understanding of pain,(except their own.) All these issues are causing your child to come across in a forceful way. He needs to learn how to control his impulses.

In addition, each child has a different temperament. Some will sit quietly and observe other children during a group activity while others will jump right into the group. Your child is probably belongs to the later category. Since your child can be forceful, always stay next to him when he is near other children or even near your cat. When he starts to exploring in a rough way use phrases such as: “Gentle”, or take his hand and guide it lightly. If he's poking another child, tell him, “That hurts your friend. We need to touch softly” or  re-direct his activity: “You like Sammy, let's build with the blocks together.” If he can't modulate himself move him to another spot. Impulse control is very difficult and it will take your child on-going guidance before he learns this skill. You will need to be very patient.

Practice “gentle touching” at home with family members, the dog, or flowers. Over time  with your help, your child will internalize this skill. It's wise to avoid rough-housing play at home during this period. This behavior will re-inforce his impulsivity and he'll have a harder time gaining control. 

It might help your own comfort level when you're child is  acting roughly to explain to the other moms, “He really loves other kids. He's just learning to be more gentle.”