When Should We Pick Up Our Crying Baby?

Dear Meri,

My husband and I are expecting our baby in three months. On Thanksgiving, we went to my best friend's house to celebrate. Throughout our visit, she and her husband were constantly arguing about whether to pick up their 5 mo. daughter when she cried. My friend thought they should always pick her up, but her husband was adamant that their daughter would become spoiled. On the ride home, my husband and I discussed this issue and we are not  sure who was right. Do you have an opinion about what to do?

                                                                                          

—Perplexed parents-to-be

Dear perplexed parents,

As a parenting expert for over 20 years I have to say I strongly agree with your friend's  opinion to pick up their baby whenever she cries.

Young babies cry because something is bothering them. They don't have language skills to tell you, “I need to burp” or “My diaper is soggy.” They cry to let you know they need you and so you must respond.

The most important developmental issues for babies in their first year of life is to build  trust in the world and an attachment to you. When you pick them up and soothe them , they develop the sense that you will protect them and the world is safe. As you feed your child, bathe her, and  gently rock her, she is assured that you are there and will meet her  needs. Your loving care helps to build a strong attachment between you and your baby. The fulfilling experiences your baby has with you, are the underpinnings of  your child's trust in relationships and in herself. Studies have shown that children who lack this attention from adults grow up feeling insecure and fail to make strong attachments to others.

As in any parenting issue, there are gray areas when you won't need to pick up your crying child. Sometimes babies will cry in their sleep but if you wait a few moments they will fall back asleep. At other times babies will cry because they are very tired and somehow crying helps them to fall asleep. When your baby is lying on a mat and playing with a mobile she may cry because she is bored or just needs your attention. If you try re-adjusting your child's position or introducing a new toy she may relax and enjoy playing on her own some more. What is important is to be vigilant when she cries, assess what may be going on and respond helpfully.

As children grow they develop language skills to communicate their needs but they will still cry when they fall down or if someone hurts their feelings. They continue to need your soothing responsiveness, for instance kissing a hurt finger to “make it feel better.” 

Your friend's husband is caught up in a misconception about the term “spoiling a baby”

which was very prevalent in prior generations of parents. There was an overwhelming notion that you must feed a child only according to a four hour schedule and not pick up your baby too often. The fear was that if you were driven by a baby's needs it would prevent  the child from learning impulse control. Today experts agree that child rearing should be focused on a child's needs. We teach an older child impulse control thru limit setting as they grow. You have no reason to worry about your young baby. The issue of setting limits with children is an important topic which we will talk about a great deal in this blog.

Before your baby is born it would be helpful for you and your spouse to talk about how you were comforted in your families of origin,how you felt about it, and decide upon the best joint approach for your child.